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Monday, February 2nd, 2009
10:13 pm - Been over a year
It has been over a year since I have been on this website. I can remember coming on here to check on Pami and see how Daphny were doing. I haven't even thought about LJ in over a year. Then here I am at work with some spare time after working on a project and I noticed something. So I magically remembered my LJ information and signed on. Started looking over things and remembering how life seemed to revolve around what was written on here. Back in high school when no one really said how they thought so they all wrote it out on here. This was the way to keep in touch and to see how everyone was doing cause for some reason no one ever believed in phones. Now after over a year has passed I decide to wonder back onto here and see that somethings will never change while others seem to be nothing but a huge ball of change. No one is who I have known anymore. Then again, I guess that is how life works. As you grow up and get older you change, evolve and grow. Sometimes you are lucky enough to have people in your life that do that with you, I know I have a few. Sadly, people who you thought would be in your life forever seem to move on and leave you behind clinging to what you thought you had. It's part of life. I don't know why I keep an LJ... I am amazed that I haven't deleted it but then again I am one for holding onto things. To remind me of what was and what has happened. How much I have changed and what is still the same. I love my life and the people in it. I am happy with myself and where I am at. I have people that care about me and love me and are there for me. It's a great feeling, it really is. But some nights I stay up remembering things I sometimes think I have forgotten. I cherish what I think I remember when I look through my many photo albums. I think if I look past my drama queen bullshit and how outrageous my behavior was. I think I really did have some good times and knew some great people. I think I will keep the account a little longer before finally just deleting it and walking away for good. I know I only have a small amount of time left before I have to be a full blown grown up. But for now I love having people induct me into their families and have their children cling to me. Will help prep me for what's to come I am sure. But Daniel will wait if he sticks to his words and I will wait because becoming a stepmother, wife and mother are things to be gotten into slowly. But man was life to this point a rush. I know I don't talk to any of you anymore and I am sure there is some sort of good reason for that. But all of you will be in my heart forever.. And I wish you all the very best.

current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, December 26th, 2007
6:48 pm - I am sure it's been a while
I figured I would stop by and give you all an update..
I am doing really really really well..
I have an amazing job that I love..
I got another tattoo making the tattoo count 9..
The dogs are great and Precious is already one and Summer turns one next month..
My gorgous goddaughter is 7 months old already..
I have lost alot of weight and it makes me feel fantastic..
Things are going well and I am happy...
Figured I would just update for those on here that actually read this..
Love ya'll..

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Thursday, September 20th, 2007
10:46 am - There is logic to my reason
I have no idea when the last time I wrote was... I know I keep this thing for one or two reasons.... My main one was to keep in touch with Pami but it seems as though that's a pointless thing because I feel she doesn't really want to keep in touch with me and I have decided to stop being in relationships where I am doing everything cause I am always the one getting hurt.. I also kept it to see how Daph was doing but most of the time I don't get anything she writes so there is an end to that.. I also like having a place to write where I know almost no one reads the thing.. Anyways.. I have my myspace and I write there and share pictures.. I also have a facebook... So if any of you want to keep in touch or give a fuck or whatever you can find me one those cause lj has died... Barely anyone keeps up with it... It seems pointless and beside the comment made every once in a while I forget it exists.. I know it's not going to matter but I figured I would say my love and my peace... I love all of you that tried to care.. It was sweet of you... If any of you want to cotinue with a friendship or whatever.. I am sure you know how to find me or get ahold of me. I mean I haven't ever changed my cell number in the 9 years I have had a cell phone.. Bye ya'll.... 

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Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
11:09 am
I am single.. I am single and alone. I feel like I am swiming in lies. Tons of fucking lies. All these people who have gotten past all my walls and all my issues and I let them in.. LIES.. I love you, lie.. I care about you, lie. I will be there for you, lie.. I will never leave you, lie.. I want to protect you, lie. Everything ends up being a fucking lie from guys/girls I am with to my so called friends. Now mind you I have friends that aren't like that but it seems alot of them are. I am just going to take a break away. Work hard at my new job and just get my shit together.. I am just done with all the fucking lies!

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Saturday, July 14th, 2007
3:01 pm - Engaged

Never thought I would say that again. Well I thought about it but the idea was great but the thought scared the shit out of me. As alot of you know Danny and I have been seeing eachother for over a year now. We've had some rough spots and some bad times but we've worked through them. He has been doing really good and I am proud of him. Yesterday was Friday the 13th and alot went on. Deanna and Phillip got married.. I was the maid of honor and it was absolutely adorable. I totally love them and I wish them all the best. From the Japanese Garden where we were taking pictures I ran to work where I got quite a few phone calls from Danny seeing how the day was going and so on. He wanted to meet up after I got off work so he could take me to get something to eat. I left work early because I have strep throat and am a sicky butt and do't really like working late when I don't feel good. We met up and got some food but on the way home he had me pull over at this park that we were passing on the way home.. He took my hand and lead me to this little bridge that is over some of the water from the fountains. He sat me down and started talking about how he thought I was an angel from the moment we met. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that I have been there more then everyone combined. He got down on one knee and took this cute red box out.. He asked me to marry him. I was holding back tears and was like, "I am all gross and sick and don't feel good and you wanna do this now?" And he said, "What are you talking about? You're beautiful!" Yeah I was sold. We aren't getting married like now cause there is alot of stuff that needs to be done. Like not living at home with my parents:) But it's really cute that he went and did all this. And I have my first edition ring. When he gets steady work I get upgraded to the real thing. But for now I am happy.. Sickly but happy..

current mood: happy

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Thursday, June 7th, 2007
6:12 pm - Intense....

This is going to be a long blog.. So if you aren't interested.. I would think now would be the time to stop reading...

As you are all probably all aware of.. I have not had a very good string of luck over the past few years. Alot of you have noticed that I am a completely different person. Some of you like me and some don't. I have to accept this but I thought that maybe you would want some understanding of what has been up with me. I had a conversation with an old friend of mine that sparked some curious thoughts into my brain. And I decided to do some reading to try to help myself to understand myself. Here is what I found and some of my conversation.. I will us the "*" to interject myself in and say a few words every now and then..

The frontal lobes are considered our emotional control center and home to our personality. There is no other part of the brain where lesions can cause such a wide variety of symptoms (Kolb & Wishaw, 1990). The frontal lobes are involved in motor function, problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgement, impulse control, and social and sexual behavior. The frontal lobes are extremely vulnerable to injury due to their location at the front of the cranium, proximity to the sphenoid wing and their large size. MRI studies have shown that the frontal area is the most common region of injury following mild to moderate traumatic brain injury (Levin et al., 1987).

There are important asymmetrical differences in the frontal lobes. The left frontal lobe is involved in controlling language related movement, whereas the right frontal lobe plays a role in non-verbal abilities. Some researchers emphasize that this rule is not absolute and that with many people, both lobes are involved in nearly all behavior.

Disturbance of motor function is typically characterized by loss of fine movements and strength of the arms, hands and fingers (Kuypers, 1981). Complex chains of motor movement also seem to be controlled by the frontal lobes (Leonard et al., 1988). Patients with frontal lobe damage exhibit little spontaneous facial expression, which points to the role of the frontal lobes in facial..Kolb & Milner, 1981). Broca's Aphasia, or difficulty in speaking, has been associated with frontal damage by Brown (1972).

An interesting phenomenon of frontal lobe damage is the insignificant effect it can have on traditional IQ testing. Researchers believe that this may have to do with IQ tests typically assessing convergent rather than divergent thinking. Frontal lobe damage seems to have an impact on divergent thinking, or flexibility and problem solving ability. There is also evidence showing lingering interference with attention and memory even after good recovery from a TBI (Stuss et al., 1985).

Another area often associated with frontal damage is that of "behavioral sponteneity." Kolb & Milner (1981) found that individual with frontal damage displayed fewer spontaneous facial movements, spoke fewer words (left frontal lesions) or excessively (right frontal lesions). *Alot of you have noticed that I often don't stop talking and just keep talking until I am told or forced to shut up.

One of the most common characteristics of frontal lobe damage is difficulty in interpreting feedback from the environment. Perseverating on a response (Milner, 1964), risk taking, and non-compliance with rules (Miller, 1985), and impaired associated learning (using external cues to help guide behavior) (Drewe, 1975) are a few examples of this type of deficit. *Risk taking.. Most of you know me as someone safe who never did anything wrong. After the accident it did seem to be apparent that I started taking a few risks and not thinking things through

The frontal lobes are also thought to play a part in our spatial orientation, including our body's orientation in space (Semmes et al., 1963).

One of the most common effects of frontal damage can be a dramatic change in social behavior. A person's personality can undergo significant changes after an injury to the frontal lobes, especially when both lobes are involved. There are some differences in the left versus right frontal lobes in this area. Left frontal damage usually manifests as pseudodepression and right frontal damage as pseudopsychopathic (Blumer and Benson, 1975).

Sexual behavior can also be effected by frontal lesions. Orbital frontal damage can introduce abnormal sexual behavior, while dorolateral lesions may reduce sexual interest (Walker and Blummer, 1975).

Now to go back to the conversation with my friend.. We somehow got into a discussion that got me defensive and although I talk about it alot I don't think anyone has tried to understand as much as he did. Well at least to relate.. So I thought I would put a piece on here for ya.. So maybe you can understand a lil more about what I get to go through.. Not that I want sympathy or anything close to that.. I just don't want to be so upset all the time..

PrettyKittyMeow4..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = AIM /><..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:05:59 PM): I am sorry.. I don't mean to come off bitchy or anything.. It's just that for years I thought that the point of life was to find someone to spend it with.. But then I found someone who I thought was it and they hurt me worse then anyone could ever understand... Killed the idea of true love and happieness.. Now I live to thrive in life with or without a person standing next to me.. One of those I am strong things.. I prove I am strong by being alone
WyldFire777<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:06:31 PM): right on.
WyldFire777<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:06:35 PM): I had one of those moments.
WyldFire777<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:06:45 PM): spent 6 years with the girl of my creams oly to find out she was a nightmare.
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:06:54 PM): I spent about 3 years and then got raped
WyldFire777<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:07:07 PM): I had to leap blindly into the arms of someone else in order to get over the bitter conspiracy of love.
WyldFire777<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:07:59 PM): I'm out of words. I can only sympathize, I guess.
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:07:57 PM): I don't do anything blindly anymore.. I can't.. How I feel isn't real... Can't blindly leap..
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:08:51 PM): I analize and scrutinize.. And I don't get attached and I stay away and I keep everything seperate.. Someone has to work really hard to be near me.. Only way to prove it's even worth it
WyldFire777<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:10:53 PM): I have a friend like that, but she keeps redrawing her boundaries every time someone gets too close; drives all the possibilities away because she's afraid someone might come to know her for who she really is.
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:11:37 PM): I'm afraid someone will get close enough again to gain my trust and hurt me the same way as before.
WyldFire777<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:12:13 PM): i understand.
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:12:42 PM): I ant this to come out as nicely as possible cause I love you and you are a really old friend of mine and I don't want to offend you.. But you don't understand
WyldFire777<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:13:52 PM): then enlighten me.
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:13:50 PM): When you try to get close to someone and have flashbacks of something horrible happening and do nothing but cry you can understand.. Try sleeping and waking up screaming and having you chest heaving from your heart beat cause you dreamed your rapist is in your house.. Or having to pull over cause you can't drive cause you are close to where it happened
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:14:05 PM): Try having someone try to touch you or hold you and you burn from memory..
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:14:22 PM): Try the idea of love eating away at you.. Almost like acid..
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:14:40 PM): Try knowing the person that hurt you is still out there and knows where you live...
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:14:47 PM): Not understanding how anyone can love you
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:14:58 PM): Feeling dirty constantly and no matter what you do it wont go away
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:15:17 PM): Wanting to purge yourself of everything.. All the momries to ideas... Everything..
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:15:42 PM): Wanting to be ugly and whatever you need to be not to be touched.. Not believing anyone when they say they love you.. Not even your family
PrettyKittyMeow4<..timestamp style="DISPLAY: inline; FONT-SIZE: 11px"> (8:16:25 PM): When you get to that point then maybe possibly you can understand me.. But for now.. For now I am strong alone and weaker when I am around anyone who claims something.. Anything.. Because I want so much to believe it but can't, no matter what

Now if you actually read all of this I will be amazed but it will show that you want me as a friend and it will show that you want understanding or at least as much as able to get cause no one will truely understand untill they become me and that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I just think this can enlighten those in the dark.. If you know what I mean.

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Thursday, May 24th, 2007
10:01 pm - Just a little update

So I got tattoo number 8(5/22/07).. My goddaughter was born(5/15/07).. My birthday was great(5/10/07).. I got to spend some real hardcore quality bonding time with Pami.. I am looking for another job. Meredith and I are thinking about getting another puppy.. Precious got her first puppy pool. The kittens that Baby had are ready for homes.. So if anyone is interested PLEASE let me know cause they need homes. And I have some pics to share..

current mood: content

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Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
8:58 pm - 22nd Birthday Bash
Well sorta.. We are going to meet at TGI Fridays at 7pm to eat and hang out.. We will prolly stay around there till 9ish.. Then we are going to head up to The Crib in San Francisco to dance the night away.. I am really excited because I haven't been able to go dancing in forever and I figure what better day then my birthday to look like a tard on the dance floor? I know no one really reads this and mostly people stick to my myspace to know what's up but I figured.. What the fuck... And so I am posting it on here... If you are interested or want details.. Let me know.. Call my cell or e-mail me or leave a comment or talked to anyone that has hung out with me recently.. I know that number is small but yeah.. Love ya'll!!

current mood: excited

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Sunday, April 29th, 2007
10:32 am - Lyrics by PINK that are perfect for me.. Just wanted to share!
"Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self"

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

You're angry
I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me

current mood: awake

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Saturday, April 28th, 2007
10:10 pm - So, yeah

I am turning 22 in less then 12 days... I am getting tattoo number 8 on the 15th... I am going to two concerts.. Maybe more if we can get the people we want working at my job.. I am now the only full time person at my job so they value me, which I am thrilled over. Iowa Mike is down here till the 5th.. He came out for my birthday.. And yes my birthday is the 10th but he came out for my birthday meaning like a present. I kinda feel bad cause I am working all the time cause I can't afford to take the time off. Precious got fixed the other day. She is back to her spunky self like nothing happened. I am really glad cause I was all worried.. Totally in over protective mommy mode. But she is my baby and I worry about her. I am totally looking forward to the up comming times cause Danny gets out of jail on the 26th of June and Mark gets out of prison on the 15th of July. I turn 22 soon... Which is a trip.. BTW if anyone wants to help be figure out what the hell to do with my birthday that would be great cause I am going to get it off so I can wear the dress I bought and have a grand old time being stupid and silly. I am going to start looking for a second job in a bit.. I might just wait untill summer is over.. Might be a little easier cause not everyone and their mother will be looking.. I start school for my masters degree in June.. So yeah.. That is basically the gist of it.. Just thought I would let you all know!!! Love you all!!

current mood: excited

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Thursday, April 5th, 2007
6:18 pm - For those of you who give a shit

These are pictures from the trip to Washington.. I figure if you don't check my myspace then you are bound to check lj and run into that you odviously haven't seen. Enjoy...
Space NeedleMe on top of the space needleChillin at the Seattle ZooI made friends with the baby elephantGet along little hippoSnoqualmie FallsMeredith and I at SnoqualmieShe took this without me knowingBeing silly We were on our way home and I was still tiredI took this while we were on our way home

current mood: calm

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Tuesday, March 20th, 2007
9:58 pm - When did everything get screwed up?

I hate getting like this.. Getting to the point of crying when I get rushes of memories. Remembering how things were before.. Before the car accident. Before the rape. Before the motel. I remember having friends.. You know those people who care about you and are there for you. The ones that invite you to social events. I remember those. I remember having a lot of them. I remember walking into high school knowing no one… Soon a guy had a crush on me and the next thing I know I have all these people wanting to get to know me. I remember Kollin and Katie.. I remember them being there when I needed them. I remember going to the park to meet up and talk about whatever. I remember Holding Kollin’s hand until her mom came to get her cause she was scared cause a bug had crawled on her leg. I remember writing notes to people like MJ (who is now married and has a little boy), Justin (who is now living with Mara) and Nikki (now is a hair dresser like she always wanted to be). I remember walking from Santa Clara High to Piasecki’s just to spend time with him. I remember Pami, Silva and I going to the beach at least once a week. I remember looking forward to it so much that is didn’t matter if I was sick and had to have four vials of blood drawn all the mattered was the beach that day. I remember spending time with Justin and getting into stupid fights over nothing and still being able to hang out. I remember skipping class with Trish so we could pick up cupcakes for Silva’s birthday. I remember staying up all night discussing what is beautiful to us (Naomi, Nathan and I) the night of Silva’s 18th birthday. I remember lying so I could go. I remember trips to San Francisco and Santa Cruz. I remember spending mass amounts of time with Fruge, Wright and Columbo. I remember having Game be the high-light of my week. I remember one of the main reasons for going was for Piasecki and Tinker. I remember walking home with Amanda and hanging out for what seemed like hours. I remember the night Pami, Tinker, Piasecki and I watched porn and Tinker and I made fun of it. I remember getting grounded that night cause I stayed out with Tinker cause I wanted to spend more time with him. I remember Pami and I spending every day together. I remember seeing Ryan every day. I remember local concerts with bands that I knew all the people in. I remember getting beat up on my 18th birthday. I remember the first night Meredith and I hung out she called me cool-aid the whole night cause of my allergy to Blistex. I remember  when Mara and I first met and I was fascinated by how many necklaces she could get around her neck. She was so beautiful but for some reason I thought the necklaces brought something out in her.. I loved it about her. I remember my life revolving around my friends. I remember getting so excited to spend time with Danielle and Caitlin. I remember talking shit about the idea of piercing and tattoos. I remember hanging out with Ryan and DJ and how much fun we would have. I remember laughing my ass off watching the two of them act out Zim does Dragon Ball Z. I remember Starbucks and everyone there.. I remember the hood.. I remember the people who wanted to hurt me and the ones who wanted to protect me. I remember long drives with Wright.. Drives that reminded me of why life was so great. I remember meeting tons of great people that I thought would be in my life forever. I remember Tom and Dave and God and Shane and Russ and Matt and Kevin and Farmer and all my Dublin boys who I love so dearly. I remember being dropped off around the corner from my house so I wouldn’t get in trouble. I remember hanging out with Pat and Piasecki and them always confusing Pami and my names.. I remember theater and all the people in it. I remember singing Phantom of the Opera at least three times a day with Dano and I know he hated it but he did it cause it made me smile. I loved him for how much he cared about me. I remember BBQs at KTB’s house where we just had the best time being silly.. I was never unhappy with them. We were always laughing and enjoying each others company. I remember Sara being the coolest chick in the world. I remember meeting Nicky by being so happy he was gay. I remember driving around screaming Le Tigre lyrics out my car window with Floofy and Krysti. I remember laughing my ass off when Daphny and Pami harassed a radio station. I remember Europe and wishing I could have taken everyone with me. I remember Brentwood Joey’s eyes and how entrancing they were. I remember comforting Melissa and saving her in a way that made her brighten more then I had ever seen her. I remember being strong and outgoing with my heart still in tact. I have all these memories that keep coming. They are what rescues me from my bad moments. Remembering that at one time I had people who loved me and cared for me before everything went bad.. I have great friends now.. Don’t get me wrong.. The people in my life now.. Although they are few have dealt with the worst of me.. The raped and neglected and damaged and abused and fucked up me I tried so hard to hide and bury. I thought all my memories had gone. I thought the moment that that car hit me and the blood hit my brain that it would take them away. All the things that haunt me and remind me of how great life was before. Before everything got so messed up. I don’t remember who I was. I lost the part of me that kept all my friends. I lost it and it is so sad to think about. I lost myself years ago.. I started wanting to grow up so bad I lost who I was and how great all the people around me are. I am so sorry for that. I am so sorry that it took me so damn long to realize how stupid I am. I am just sorry. I know none of you believe it and I don’t care.. Just know I will always love and care about all of you even though I am forgotten. I am sorry for pushing you all away. I thought it would protect me but in the end it has hurt me worse then any car accident.

current mood: cynical

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Thursday, March 1st, 2007
3:43 pm - Update
I wanted to post some pictures to show you visually how things are going.. PLUS it's slow at work and it sounded like fun:)

This is my right thigh tattoo.. It would make number seven in my new tattoo collection I have on my body.. For those of you who don't know Quito is a road which I adore and is one of the bes places in the world to me. It means so much to have a place to kinda "dissapear" to when I am upset or in need of venting. The butterfly was drawn for me by some talented kid locked up with Danny. Danny told him what he wanted and that butterfly was what was given.. I loved it so much I added it to the Quito.
I don't know if I have posted this but these are my calves.. Those are numbers 5 and 6.. It's a shitty picture I know but I wanted to at least give you an idea of the other tattoos that I have..
This is my Precious at 4 months on her bed. She is getting so big but she is still so cute!! I loves her.

This is my new truck.. She has been lovingly named Roxy. She is a 2006 Dodge 1500 Big Horn. I love her... She is buterfly themed.. When it stops raining butterflies will be added to the back windows.

So that is my visual update for ya.. Hope you liked it. I should be gettin back to work so, yeah... Love ya'll!!

current mood: content

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Saturday, February 24th, 2007
8:24 am - Two Years
Tonight will mark the two year aniversary of my car accident. Looking back on all that has happened in the past two years I am amazed. I don't want to go off about myself and how strong I am or anything like that. I feel so self-center when it comes to stuff like that. I dunno... Today started with the usual. Alarm going off, puppy wanting to play and getting ready to go to work. I get to work and sit down and rewind time to Thursday Fabruary 24th, 2005. I don't remember much. I can remember Ryan, Cliff and I were sposed to dress in camo but whe I put the outfit on it just didn't seem right. I remember getting over to Ryan's to pick up Cliff and Ry Ry.. They weren't happy that I wasn't camoed out but they got over it. When we met up with Deanna and John... Deanna didn't feel like driving so we ended up jumping around cars so it ended up being Ryan, Cliff and Deanna in Deanna's with Ryan driving.... And then John and I in mine. I am glad Cliff decided to go with Ryan and Deanna.. I would have needed so much more therapy if Cliff woulda gone in my car... Cause he woulda sat in the back and if that had happened he woulda been killed.
It's really crazy to think the accident was two years ago... Last year on the anniversary Fruge was in town and we were all at Mom's and when it got to be around 10ish we all drank to my servival. Tonight I celebrate not dying alone at the front desk of my job. What a depressing way to look at it. Through everything that has happened in the past two years. Here I am today on the two year anniversary and I have two jobs and I am back in school and planning on moving and buying a house..I have a puppy and a new truck... But in all honesty I have become what I never thought I would. I work so much and have very little people in my life wanting to spend time with me enough to adjust schedules. Don't get me wrong I love being around Meredith and Bill. Meredith and I spend time together constantly. But I find myself missing everyone. I was talking to Iowa Mike and was telling him that I was kinda tired cause of everything.. And he said that with two jobs, school and an active social life, who wouldn't be tired? It made me kinda sad cause my social life is so limited. I know in a few years when everything is said and done I will have what I want and time to spend with everyone but I think by then it'll be too late to recindle lost friendships and relationships. That tought makes it hard for me to say Here Is To Celebrating My Serviving. 
I had so much go on in these past two years that maybe I chose subconciously to push everyone away... And if you feel I have done that, I am truly sorry. You don't even know. I miss so many people and naming them would be exhausting and I know I would miss some. Basically this is the point.. Here is to my fight to live, my strength to servive and my friends who have helped me all the way. My life used to be all about you.. That changed and now most of you are gone. I'm sorry!

current mood: calm

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Saturday, February 10th, 2007
8:21 am - Unable to sleep really lately
I've been out of it lately.. I feel the need to write and get some of it off my chest and out of my brain. I am having a problem looking at the up side to things. YES I got a puppy lke I have always wanted.. YES I got a truck like I have been talking about for years.. YES I am planning on moving and getting my own place.. But I am still having to deal with things.  I still have to deal with memories and stuff that is harder for me. I've been trying to figure out how to deal with the constant flow of memory that I am having ever sense Sunday. I have been having flash backs. Remembering things  I had forgotten. Remembering times and things in Arnold. Remembering the Matt I fell in love with but the things that is so aggrivating about it is that I start remembering the good things like the way he touched me and told me he loved me and the places we'd run off to. But then after starting to remember that I am hit with flash backs from December... And it is like I am feeling him holding me down and I am feeling him hurting me... And I start to get scared and I start to cry. I thought I had delt with all of this. I thought I went through months of therapy and decided that it was completely healthy and normal to want to hurt him as he hurt me and that it wasn't my fault things happened. What I didn't deal with was the fact that I would still be in love with the guy I knew and loved. The guy who called me when his aunt died crying.. The guy who sat in a car with me and cried.. The guy who held me.. The guy who would leave me with two inches left on the bed because he wanted to sleep right next to me. The guy who would take me to rivers and out looks and sit and talk to me about everything and anything. I loved that person so much and I miss him more then words can tell you. And part of me knows that guy is dead.. Part of me knows he went to Iraq and died... But the other part knows part of him came back and part of him destroyed what was left of me. I was in love with a guy for 9 years.. NINE YEARS and I went and saw him and he would tell me he loved me and wanted to marry me and have children with me and be with me forever. I have known someone for years and he has always claimed to love me.. I have been dating someone for almost a year and he wants to marry me and he says he loves me... I have so many people in my life who love and care for me... So why am I still thinking about someone who couldn't have possibly ever loved me? Because if he had he couldn't have done what he did. Why is this man still in my brain and my heart? He doesn't deserve to be there. He has no rights to be in either places. I think I am struggling with the fact that I want him to be dea because then I can be okay in my head. I wont have to think about it cause then the ideas would be true.. He would have died in Iraq like I want to tell myself.. He would have died and then he couldn't have some back to hurt me and everyhting would be okay because at least I would have known he loved me. Maybe that's the biggest prlbem. Is that I did everything and tried everything and that it all wasnt for nothing. That everything he said wasn't a lie.

February 12, 2001 Kollin Mathews died at 6:30am. It will be 6 years sense one of my closest friends decided that life wasn't worth living and hung herself in the back yard of her Texas home. I remember still the morning I got the call. Katie had called me and left me a message and sent me messages of 911 on my phone during my first period class. I proceeded to the bathroom to call and find out what was going on. I called and she answer crying and told me that Kollin had died. I remebering getting dizzy and not believing it. I remember not even crying until I saw some friends and I snapped out of my shock and started to cry. I spent the rest of the day in a tear filled haze. 6 months later Katie was killed by a drunk drver while she was on her way home. The tattoos that are on my ankle are for them. The right is for Kollin and the left is for Katie. Everyone thinks it was the two of them that were looking over me when I was in my accident and it was the two of them that helped me to servive. But sometimes I wish that I could be with them. That we'd be young again and running around going swimming and talking about boys. I miss them so much. I no longer blame myself for Kollin's suicide. It took a long time and some serious money for therapy but I no longer blame myself. I just wish, still, that she at least would have called or I could have told her that I loved her and bye.

current mood: blank

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Saturday, February 3rd, 2007
8:49 am - If you can translate German, please help me
I love Wolfsheim... I don't know if anyone knows who that is but I have been in love with him for years. He has a gorgeous voice and I love his music... And I have fallen in love with one of his songs and if someone could translate it for me that would be great. I know normally the tranlation ruins a song but my friend Flo who now lives in Germany again translated one of his songs for me years ago and it was gorgeous so I am hoping this beautiful song stays as lovely.. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!

Weißt du noch, wie's war
Kinderzeit... wunderbar...
Die Welt ist bunt und schön.
Bis du irgendwann begreifst,
Dass nicht jeder Abschied heißt,
Es gibt auch ein Wiedersehen

Immer vorwärts, Schritt um Schritt ... Es geht kein Weg zurück!
Und Was jetzt ist, wird nie mehr ungeschehen.
Die Zeit läuft uns davon, Was getan ist, ist getan.
Was jetzt ist, wird nie mehr so geschehen.

Ein Wort zuviel im Zorn gesagt,
'N Schritt zu weit nach vorn gewagt.
Schon ist es vorbei.
Was auch immer jetzt getan,
Was ich gesagt hab´, ist gesagt,
Und was wie ewig schien ist schon Vergangenheit.

Ach, und könnt' ich doch nur ein einz'ges Mal Die Uhren rückwärts drehen,
Denn wieviel von dem, was ich heute weiß, Hätt' ich lieber nie gesehen.

Dein Leben dreht sich nur im Kreis,
So voll von weggeworfener Zeit,
und Deine Träume schiebst Du endlos vor Dir her.
Du willst noch leben irgendwann,
Doch wenn nicht heute, wann denn dann...?
Denn irgendwann ist auch ein Traum zu lange her

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Monday, January 22nd, 2007
1:35 pm - Broken phone
My phone decided it no longer wanted to be mine and took a nose dive onto the pavement... It broke so badly that I lost all my numbers. PLEASE send me your numbers and/or the numbers of people you think I will want. If it helps just call me. I am lost without my phone and I am in hopes everyone will help me out. Love you all and miss you all!

current mood: crazy

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Saturday, January 13th, 2007
8:56 am - Saving someones life

Yesterday if you were driving down the El Camino near the police station just past Lincoln you would have noticed that only one lane was open and a car was on the medium and a girl with a long sleeved shirt was standing next to the drivers door as the firemen and peramedics did their job... That's right people, I was the girl with the long sleeved shirt.. Allow me to fill you in.
Yesterday I had some arrends to run so I dropped Precious off at the motel with Amanda. I ran over to Barnes and Noble who is having a sale on books.. Then I went over to Office Max. Now the fun would end here on a normal day and I would have gone back to the motel and pick up Precious and gone home.. But it decided to be an interesting day. I pulld out behind this PT Cruiser which seemingly was driving normal. After less then half a block the cruiser started swurving and slowing down. At first it was a slow type of thing and I figured he was looking for a cd or something. But then the swurves became more severe. Then he stopped on the line of my lane and the person next to me. I started to call the motel to tell Cheryl about this crazy driver and he started rolling and going through a red light. I told Cheryl to call police dispatch and tell them that there was a driver and he was driving a little of. Well he ran another light and hit a van that was driving. So it gave me time to cetch up. I got off the phone with cheryl and got out of my car. The cruiser started rolling away from the curb and back into the street where cars were rolling. But when I looked into the car the guy behind the wheel was hunched over and passed out. The cruiser started to veer back into traffic... The guys in the van that the car hit jumped out with me and we steered the car over to the medium as well as we could cause he wasn't waking up and there was nothing else to stop him or slow him down. When he hit the mediun I pulled back with all my weight on the drivers side door handle.. The car stopped and right when it did the police called my cell phone thanks to Cheryl.. I told them the situation. The man wouldn't become concious and when he finally did he was unresponsive. A doctor pulled over and came to help along with some road workers and a guy from the auto body place where we were in front of. They managed to get traffic under control and to get the door open. I relaid messages from the police to the doctor and we waited. First the fire trucks rolled up. Then an ambulence. Then finally the police but we pretty much had everything under control. The man was rushed to the hospital and I got to play nice with Santa Clara's finest. Which, oddly, I didn't know any of them. I was rather serprised but I know more people on night shift then I do on day sense the problems we have at the motel are normally night. But yeah.. Two hours before I was to be working at San Mateo... I saved a guys life.. Well, helped anyways. I felt great after.. A total rush of purpose and meaning. Just thought I would share that story with you.

current mood: impressed

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Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
6:18 pm - Giving you an update
I have two jobs and have had them for a little over a week now.. I am still working at the Western Motel in Santa Clara and will work there untill it closes down. I am the assistant manager there. I also work up in San Mateo at the Hillsdale Inn. I work the front desk night shift or swing shift. At the present moment I work at Hillsdale Inn every day till they find someone else willing to work. I have a now three month old puppy who is needy but the cutest thing in the world. I posted pictures in my last post. Danny is in jail which makes him the third guy in my life to get locked up and is the second currently locked up. I went down to visit Mark on New Years Eve but was still pending so I couldn't see him. I cried my whole way home. I went and jumped from party to party on New Years and spent time with a lot of people and it was great. If you feel as though I am not giving you attention I am very sorry because I have been very very busy.I am in the process of deciding what vehicle I want. I am thinking a nice Dodge Truck... That is what Neva had and I fell in love with it when I drove down to Vegas. So yeah.. That is basically what is up. Love ya'll!

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Friday, January 5th, 2007
7:15 pm - Precious Pictures
This is my Precious.Her and I were looking cute for the camera.She decided that she wanted to play on the ground..

current mood: happy

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